Caring for
Aging Parents
Self-care is
not selfish. You
cannot serve from an empty vessel—Eleanor Brown
Few of us adequately prepare to take care of our
aging parent(s). Parent
care may make its way into our lives after a crisis
(e.g., a fall, a dementia diagnosis) and you may find
yourself feeling dazed, alone, helpless, trapped, and
not knowing where to start. Stepping into
the role of caregiver can generate an overwhelming array
of questions. Should we ask Dad
to surrender his driver’s license? Can Mom be left
alone? How will this disease progress?
If we chose to be a caregiver to our parent(s),
we begin the precarious balancing act of juggling our
needs as well as the ever growing needs of our
parent(s). Here
are a few suggestions to help navigate this new terrain.
1.
Be
informed. Learn as much
as you can about their medical condition. If possible,
avoid making any rash decisions before you’ve had a
chance to collect, digest, and discuss the information
and the options for treatment and care of your
parent(s). You
don’t have control over their illness but the more you
learn about it the more in control you will feel. Check out
not-for-profit health organizations (such as Alzheimer
Society, Public Legal Education Association), community
agencies (e.g., Homecare), or friends or colleagues who
may have been through the same thing with their loved
one for factual information about what you can
reasonably expect for the future. This will also
help you to identify community supports that are
available to you.
2.
Avoid
making promises. “I’ll never put
you in a nursing home”.
You don’t know what the future holds, and
long-term care may be the type of care your parent needs
in the future.
3.
Engage
in good self-care. Make
every effort to eat well, exercise, socialize, keep up
your favorite hobby or activity, take time for yourself,
and rest. This
step is not a luxury but an act of survival. In all
likelihood, the journey may be more of a marathon than a
sprint.
4.
Take
vacations. Consider
taking caregiving vacations by using respite if it is
available. The
challenge to taking breaks is to do so without feeling
guilty. Few
of us feel guilty about taking our earned vacation at
our paid employment.
We recognize that labor advocates fought for this
right so we could stay healthy. Taking a break
is about staying well and it does not indicate a lack of
caring on your part.
Guilt is useful because it tells us when we are
off our moral compass (that is, acting in a way that is
not consistent with our morals and values) and affords
us the opportunity to readjust if necessary. If you’re not
off track, stop beating yourself up. Don’t
“should” all over yourself.
5.
Call
in reinforcements.
Ask for help from family, friends, or community
agencies even if you think you’ll be turned down. Don’t assume
that others know you
need help. No
matter how obvious you think it is that you need help,
the reality is that other people can’t read your mind. And remind
yourself that you have nothing to lose by asking.
6.
Talk
to your parent(s) about their wishes. Many people
avoid certain topics such as money or death but often as
people age, they want others to be aware of their
wishes. It
will make some of the difficult decisions easier if you
know you are helping to carry out their wishes. Take stock of
what your parent(s) may want or need and what you are
capable of accomplishing.
Be realistic.
7.
Be
respectful. Treat your
parents with respect and dignity even when you’re at
your wit’s end. Don’t
talk to them as if they are children. Avoid nagging
and lecturing them.
8.
Be
mindful. Soak up every
moment of the experience with them. Look them in
the eye. Do
fun things with them.
Laugh together.
Play Christmas carols in July if that’s something
you both enjoy.
9.
Don’t
avoid unfinished emotional business. Don’t put off
saying what you need to say. Say it while
there’s still time.
10. Get
support. Find support
from friends, family, support groups, or seek
professional support.
Research demonstrates that social support
enhances our ability to cope with stress.
Caring for elderly parents can be challenging
under the best of circumstances but it can be even more
daunting for conflictual families. My next
article will discuss some of the issues associated with
caring for parents who were abusive or neglectful when
you were a child.
To
experience peace does not mean that your life is
always blissful.
It means you are capable of tapping into a
blissful state of mind amidst the normal chaos of
hectic life—Jill Bolte Tayloe
Dr. Lisa Berg-Kolody, PhD